The Nonchalant Epidemic: Why Do We Romanticize Emotional Unavailability?

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Queen's U chapter and does not reflect the views of Her Campus.

The dating/romantic scene at Queen’s has officially driven me up a wall. I’m constantly filled with rage towards my partners and the partners of my friends. No honesty. Complete lack of communication. Just bad vibes. I’ve been trying to make sense of it, and one of the main issues is something that I have partially attributed to; the idea of the “nonchalant” partner. The main thing I have to say about that is, why?

Why are we attracted to people who show disinterest? Why are we so intrigued by people who take hours to respond, just to give us nothing in return? Why is it considered praise to say that someone is just “chill” or “not online that much”? Personally, I don’t find these things enjoyable or endearing, which I have come to find has made it near-impossible to seek any sort of connection at Queen’s. I did not sign up to deal with people acting so boring towards people they’re interested in, so I have a difficult time understanding what about that feeling of gut-wrenching anxiety attracts people.

Is it anxiety or excitement?

Having a crush is awesome. It can give you that nervous-but-excited feeling every time you get to see someone and get to replay all the sweet interactions in your head. However, there’s a difference between feeling nervously excited and just straight up anxiety. People who keep you on your toes by not responding for six hours are not giving you butterflies; they’re instilling self-doubt and nervousness in you to keep you wanting more, which is basically emotional warfare. People who try to act chill and like they don’t care about you aren’t nonchalant; they’re just insecure about the fact that they can’t communicate their emotions in a normal, healthy way. 

So why do we feed into this? How are we mistaking this anxiety that sits like a pit in our stomach for excitement? How can we break that cycle?

If any of this is ringing true, I would suggest for you to consider several things the next time you catch yourself looking at an old text they sent you (several hours too late, might I add):

Where are you in your life?

Be honest with yourself. If you’re not feeling grounded, it’s okay. Take note of who you’re surrounding yourself with. Are they making you feel more secure, or less? If they give you that pit-in-your-stomach feeling, RUN! Remember that no one knows you better than yourself. Even in casual flings, you deserve to be around people who treat you like a human being. Basic empathy and interest is pretty bare minimum when you think about it.

is this really how you want to feel?

This might seem obvious but ask yourself seriously: Is this what I want? You would never want your friends to feel this way – stressed or unsure in their romantic situation – so why accept that for yourself? At this point, we more or less know the effects that stress has on your mental and physical wellbeing. If someone is making you feel more chaotic than calm, it might be a sign that they are probably not worth your energy anyways.

Why am i accepting this behaviour?

The bottom line is: we’re in university. We’re all (mostly) adults. So why are we still accepting high school behaviour from people who are supposed to be grown-ups? If you’re someone who cares about their personal growth (if you’re reading this, I’m assuming you do), you already know that your environment matters. Who you choose to be with is reflective of your self-worth, and if they can’t grasp emotional maturity, it’s time to let go of them. It’s partially a maturity issue, but at its core, it’s a respect issue. You deserve to be around people who respect your time and energy. Why waste your time playing games?

What can I take from all of this?

Stepping back and asking myself these questions from a completely objective perspective has changed the way I look at romance in my life. First off, it made romance secondary. Not in a bitter, “I’m over love” way, but more in a “I need to protect my peace” way. It may be because of past situations resulting in trust issues, but it’s also because I’m tired of being consumed by uncertainty. Additionally, it’s helped me rediscover my worth. If I’m feeling mistreated and chasing external validation, I’m the one who has the power to remove it and preserve my wellbeing.

It might sound daunting to think about, but you’ll thank yourself in the long run. The sooner you stop accepting disrespectful, boring, “nonchalant” people, the sooner you’ll be able to welcome those who make you feel good about yourself, rather than constantly leaving you with the feeling of consistent unease and discomfort in yourself. Once you feel that difference, you’ll never want to go back.