Teens accused of beating Edward ‘Big Balls’ Coristine learn their fate in court

Two teenagers who assaulted former DOGE employee Edward “Big Balls” Coristine were sentenced to probation by a judge in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday.

The justice handed down a 12-month probation to the male defendant in the case and nine months to a female who had pleaded guilty to simple assault, according to WUSA 9 News.

D.C.’s Metropolitan Police Department arrested the two 15-year-old suspects from Hyattsville, Maryland, the day after the August 3 attack on Coristine, 19, permitting the boy to return home under strict release conditions and sending the girl to a youth shelter. Other alleged accomplices remain at large.

“I hope you can figure things out and be ready for the consequences,” Coristine reportedly told the defendants via video link, thanking the courts and MPD for their work in bringing the pair to justice.

Coristine and a female companion were assaulted at approximately 3 am in a D.C. parking garage in what the victim called an attempted carjacking that he said had involved “a group of 10 guys.” The ensuing attack left him with a concussion and a broken nose while becoming a MAGA cause célèbre in the process.

The programmer offered a complete account of the incident when he guested on the Fox News show Jesse Watters Primetime in late September.

“As we get to the car and she begins to fumble for the keys, they begin to shout at us, and really quickly I knew something was really off about this situation,” Coristine recalled.

“So she unlocks the car, I rush her into the driving seat. I close the door behind her and she’s able to lock the doors. Right as I turn around, they’re right up on me – just a few feet away.

“They slammed me against the car and started throwing a bunch of punches. I keep my hands up. I’m getting a lot of punches here and I’m just trying to protect my head the best way that I can.”

A photograph of the bloodied Coristine at the scene was posted by President Donald Trump on Truth Social shortly afterwards, who used it as part of his argument for cracking down on urban crime in the nation’s capital by sending in the National Guard to support the MPD, which he duly did on August 11.

Coristine, the grandson of an executed KGB spy, earned the nickname “Big Balls” during a high school math class and later embraced it publicly on his LinkedIn profile, which attracted the eye of Elon Musk earlier this year when he was looking for staffers to join DOGE, the agency tasked by Trump with cutting excess spending across the federal government.

Coristine had worked briefly at Neuralink, another Musk-run enterprise, and been a mechanical engineer and physicist at Northeastern University in Boston, Massachusetts, before joining DOGE.

He then worked for the government’s General Services Administration and, after resigning in June, was hired by the Social Security Administration.