Surviving Your First Semester In A Long Distance Relationship

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at BU chapter and does not reflect the views of Her Campus.

Her boyfriend’s friends would tell him, “Your girl’s gone, man. Just say goodbye.” When she got accepted into college, everyone close to him just assumed she would cheat or that they simply wouldn’t last. With everyone whispering horror stories of unsolicited advice in their ears, they decided to call it quits.

I sat down with my sister — a junior in college who just celebrated five years in her long-distance relationship — to discuss our experiences as college students in LDRs (long-distance relationships). From Pennsylvania to Los Angeles, their love spans over 2,700 miles. For me, my girlfriend of seven months is a nine-hour car ride back to my hometown. Neither has been the easiest of feats.

So, my sister and I laid out the ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ for LDRs, and this is what we came up with.

Don’t let those outside of your relationship scare you; going to college single is not always better.

My sister recalled the summer after her senior year of high school when her boyfriend ended things… for two weeks. She said they “broke up because of college, not the distance.” Since they had been long-distance since their sophomore year of high school, they weren’t feeling the typical nerves of being apart. 

The fear instilled in them by others was strictly surrounding the “college experience.” Role models in her boyfriend’s life were getting in his head, scaring him that with the new people and experiences around her, she might cheat. This is a big concern for a lot of people, “especially since we’re in a Big Ten school,” added her roommate.

You just have to remember that no one knows your relationship like you and your partner.

“Trust is the most important part,” she said. “People will always say, ‘Oh, he’s probably cheating on you,’” and since you can’t be in his direct circle of friends from so far away, she said, “you have to trust that he’s telling you everything you need to know.”

She and her boyfriend ended up getting back together before their freshman year even began. This example follows the standard my girlfriend and I tend to hold: “Being far apart is difficult; breaking up would only make the distance greater.”

A lot of long-term couples meet in college, so there tends to be an added pressure to take advantage of the freedom to date once you arrive to avoid ‘missing out.’ My sister commented on this, saying, “[My single friends] feel like they don’t have the emotional time to invest in dating at college.” 

She discussed her busy days as a full-time student and a part-time retail employee, saying that she loves to return to her dorm after a long day and decompress by calling her boyfriend. Even just staying on FaceTime and not saying anything can mimic body-doubling in person. When prompted to think about dating as a college student, she said, “If I had to emotionally entertain a guy all the time, I would lose it.”

She also doesn’t feel limited by her relationship in the least. I asked if she has boundaries set with her partner about going out. She responded, “To me, it’s weird if your boyfriend is weird about that … going out is fun, I’m not going to go out.”

She recalled her insecurity early on in her relationship, saying, “I’d get jealous a lot… but then I realized, the more you set up those barriers… your partner is gonna associate that with you.” 

If your partner was controlling about the way you dress, for example, you’d start to think, ‘Oh, if I weren’t dating them, I’d be able to wear this.’ You’ll start to picture your life outside of your relationship as less burdensome and more positive. “You have to be on the same page about having some freedom,” she stated.

You and your partner need to have the same work ethic. You’re no longer dating for that cute Instagram hardlaunch; you’re entering adulthood and considering a future together. A lot of couples struggle to connect over the phone when their schedules or life-goals don’t align.

 My sister’s boyfriend, for example, is earning a college degree while working a full-time job. She believes their communication would struggle if one were home all day waiting by the phone. Their schedules keep them busy with a nice amount of downtime to stay in the loop.

This also works for couples split between high school and college. My girlfriend is a senior in high school and currently in the thick of college applications. She sees a place for herself in Boston with me, or at another urban four-year university. You don’t need to Zillow your first home yet, but it’s comforting to know what you’re working towards: a future closer to each other.

Also, plan your visits in advance! The college student budget is tight, and flights aren’t cheap. I recommend earning money over the summer in some kind of joint effort. For example, my girlfriend and I dog-sat together for a week and earned enough cash for two round-trips to Boston. It’s important that no singular partner is burdened with the cost of travel. When it’s a joint effort, no one feels pressured to make the trip worth the other’s financial input.

When it comes to planning trips, book those flights months in advance — unless you’re my sister, in which case, you can fly standby for free since your boyfriend works for an airline (must be nice). My girlfriend and I used half of our savings to pre-book a flight for Halloweekend — a time we knew would be full of fun events even though my schedule was still uncertain. We set aside the other half for a “rainy day,” which, as it turned out, came just two weeks into the semester when we were really missing each other.

This transitions us into the least-talked-about part of college LDRs: roommates. My sister lucked out; her freshman year roommate had a boyfriend, too. So, they were able to effectively coordinate which boyfriend would visit and when. 

We both recommend talking about it with your roommate one to two weeks in advance. From your first interaction with your roommate — whether that be over Instagram or on move-in day — communicate clearly about what you want out of a visit from your partner. Be sure to include your backup plan for issues that may arise. For example, your roommate may become uncomfortable with your guest, your guest’s flight could get delayed, or you may want to shift your plans. 

On the other side of the discussion, state your boundaries for when your roommate’s love interest stops by the dorm. Are you cool with sleeping somewhere else for the night, or do you insist they put a sock on someone else’s door? Being honest from the start will benefit you both in the long run. If you’re not, it may end up hurting you.

Make sure to check your school’s overnight guest policy — yes, your school has one, and no, I didn’t know about it until someone told me. If your roommate is easygoing, it may never come up. But if you ever disagree over guests, those rules will be enforced in ways that aren’t always easy to manage. 

BU’s overnight guest policy is as follows: “Guests may stay in a room, suite, or apartment no more than three consecutive nights … and for no more than seven such visits each semester … A resident who wishes to have a guest visit for up to three consecutive nights must request these overnight privileges by submitting an overnight guest pass to the residential safety officer … the resident’s roommate(s) or suite-mates must provide written consent.” Be sure to check yours before making plans you can’t change!

Long-distance relationships are  possible in college, and they can be just as fulfilling as short-distance ones.

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