Learning How to Maintain My Sense of Self in a Relationship

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Scranton chapter and does not reflect the views of Her Campus.

The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of The University of Scranton.

I find it essential for someone in a relationship to have an identity beyond being a girlfriend or boyfriend. It can be easy to fall into the mindset of only involving yourself with romance, whether this means spending less time with your friends or giving up your goals and aspirations to focus solely on your relationship and partner. However, my closest friend values being a separate person from her boyfriend. She does not want to be linked to him; she is her own person. I admire this because she can follow what she wants to do, regardless of her boyfriend. 

In my own way, I try to understand how I can do this. It was easy to have a sense of self when I was single, but now that I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, I find that I sometimes struggle to maintain my identity separate from his. I fell into this pattern of putting all my attention on him. There was a newness that comes with entering a relationship, and I could not help wanting to spend all my time with him. This was not inherently a bad thing, but slowly, the other pieces of my life started to become neglected. 

Now that it has been some time, I have reached a point where I find that I can maintain who I am while putting the time and effort my relationship deserves. For one example, every morning I wake up about fifteen to twenty minutes earlier than necessary. Why? The mornings are quiet, and when it is that early, no one needs me. I can have slow mornings, which means time to give to myself. I spend these moments opening the blinds, letting the sun in, and settling back into bed with a book. I love reading, and as an English major, I try to spend time reading books I enjoy. It kills two birds with one stone; I get some reading in, and I have a nice start to my day before the rush of my never-ending to-do list and assignments bombards me.

Another way that I pour into myself is by attending extracurricular activities. Junior year, I fell into the habit of simply attending classes and returning to my dorm. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love taking an early shower and being in bed before the sun even goes down, but doing this meant that I was more reluctant to attend events taking place after class. I have found taking time out of my busy schedule between being a senior, having never-ending readings to complete, and focusing on my year-long research project, to attend club meetings has been great. I can stop thinking about classes for an hour, and I am able to interact with a few other students. I have even managed to make a few new friends that I would not have been able to without attending those meetings. These meetings are fun and help me to get out of my comfort zone. 

It is also helpful that my boyfriend and I have a schedule when we see each other. Occasionally, we can make time to see one another during the week, but our time is usually spent together on the weekends. Being able to be honest with one another, especially when we have plans on the weekend outside of each other, is crucial. One weekend, I stayed on campus because it was one of my friends’ birthdays. Not only did it give my boyfriend and me time from each other, which is always important, but it also allowed me time to spend with my friends. We went out to eat, had some drinks, and overall had a fantastic time. It allowed me to be a separate person outside of my relationship.

I’m still learning how to balance my relationship, friendships, hobbies, and, of course, my studies. It was difficult at first, wanting always to spend time with my boyfriend, but I have learned how to manage so that all parts of my life are receiving the attention they duly deserve. I love being my own person outside of my relationship, and I don’t want to be defined by it. Hopefully, this was helpful and resonated with you all.